Recently, I sat down and seriously tried to analyze what I’m looking for in the opposite sex to come to terms with why I’m regularly finding myself in such dire straights. As I worked out what was important to me in a woman, I began to realize that the things I wanted were in short supply. Now I know I’m no day at the beach but I’m pretty sure I’m not chopped liver either. I guess this was more so to find out what I want before I started going after it.
I don’t think I’m still single because all the good ones are taken, it’s not because I’m too picky, or even because I’m unable to be in a relationship. I think I may be searching for a nearly impossible combination of traits and characteristics. After reading a slew of articles about women bitching and moaning about the men these days, I figured I’d be up for the challenge of listing a few desired female character traits that have all but disappeared. Here are my top three shortcomings of women whose disappearance/scarcity/non-existence has plagued my dating life as well as some ideas on how to resolve their absences.
1). What is a girl with a sense of humor?:
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
I’ve learned that a GOOD sense of humor is exceptionally hard to find. Many consider it a form of intelligence or even a form of art if done well enough. Being female and funny has always been a bit of an awkward juggling act. And no, I’m not looking for the type of god-awful laugh-track-laced forced-fed sitcomy jokes you and your retard friends seem to like so bad. And that goes double for any female lead-role movie that has a girl tripping over something in the trailer… fucking idiots. See another example: here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22PN2rh5aOg
I’m talking about finding the woman that actually has something in the way of wit. There are many different kinds of humor that genuinely illicit laughter without it being at someone else’s expense or whose nature isn’t the same stupid played out theme like above.
I will stick around for the girl that has curious observations, genuinely clever responses, or even the girl whose comedy spark comes from spontaneity via interactions with strangers resulting in adventures worthy of telling its story. But they’re about as common as reasonable female grooming habits in Portland, OR.
Check out an amazing article from the late Christopher Hitchens, Why Women Aren’t Funny. Hitchens was an outspoken atheist with a knack for putting nutcase religious “scholars” in verbal paralysis with simple quips and logical counterpoints. As best I can tell he’s never expressed anything in the way of a sexist perspective in regards to evolution, but this article makes some valid points.
Hitchens simply explains that it’s hard to find an equal representation of “funny” women because there’s not that inherent biological need. Men once and still use humor to boost status and overcome their physical short comings by appealing to the affection’s of the mind. Yes it would seem that if you were able to make a girl laugh and were competing against a mate of similar worth and/or stature then you would have an advantage. He does note that there are funny women out there, many of which don’t even have to look like Rosanne Bar… they’re just in short supply. I’ve often heard that most the great comedians of this world suffered great hardships and came from broken beginnings to find their success later. A very Nietzschean idea when you think about it. Hitchens explains that men tend to have a bit more coarse path to walk as they progress into adulthood, thereby we seem to use humor more often to relieve the harshness of life.
How do we fix this?
A refreshing perspective on “funny women” comes from a blog I discovered a few weeks ago. In her article, “Five Things Every Funny Girl Should Know,” Julia Hass explains that women are afraid to be funny (or at least try) because it might pull them out of the running to be considered “dating material.” Contrary to what the shitty magazines tell you, it’s a good thing to be funny. Maintaining your “mysterious persona” by deferring to one word answers only clouds how the opposite sex views your level of interest and it certinely doesn’t succeed in pulling anyone in. People (both men and women) need you to spell things out for them these days. We’ve gotten really bad as a society at reading gestures because we all think that there is a clear subtext/definition to every move/gesture/text/call we make. So don’t afraid to try and be funny, it’s actually endearing even if you suck at it.
For those that really need the help, here’s a straight forward article that defines twelve types of humor and how its used. The idea here being that you can recognize a moment to insert your own humor and before you know it- you’re doing it, you’re actually becoming a funny person. Make me laugh slut~!
2). Too Pretty for a Personality?:
“It’s a bubble of free drinks, kindness, and outdoor sex.” -30 Rock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk to a brick wall? Some of the prettiest women I’ve ever dated, hung out with, or just met in passing also happen to be some of the most boring and uninteresting people in the world. But Why?
Imagine being told your entire life that you’re incredibly pretty and everyone (not just the opposite sex) hangs on your every word. And by definition you are presumbly “interesting.” Those that fall into this this elite group manage this disparity by deferring to the fact that they’re just “cooler” than everyone else. It must be tough being pretty, right? But the fact remains that you can’t really have much in the way of a half-decent conversation if no one has ever disagreed with you.
In an episode of 30 Rock, the concept of “the handsome bubble” is discussed. The idea is that when you’re of a certain level of good looking, you don’t need anything other than your looks- when you’re gorgeous enough, things just happen for you. The show cleverly highlights this phenomenon when it occurs in men (which pretty much never happens but that’s the joke ).
The problem with being in this bubble is that it begets a dangerous line of thinking. The idea is that you’ve been told that you’re ostensibly perfect for as long as you can remember. After a while, you begin to believe the traits others have projected onto you are in fact the real thing. This is why the women in this category never make good conversationalist. If the topic of conversation drifts off of them for even a moment, they lose interest. This is also why these vapid women also assume that it is within a reasonable request to demand men buy their shots or drinks at the bar. Living life with rose colored lenses must be a dream… And yet sadly, as men we feed into this laughable nightmare because we’re probably thinking we might catch the vapors of what it’s like to finally have arm candy.
I came across an article out of the Business Insider titled, “Beautiful People Are Boring [Study],” that highlighted this very issue, “the problems encountered in conversation with beautiful people: stupidity and vanity rarely contribute much to wit and creativity.” If these people spend most of their years trying to conform to what’s cool, how engaging can they really be?
“The grizzled and gargoyle-like Parisian chanteur, and legendary lover, Serge Gainsbourg always used to pick up the ugliest girls at parties. This was not simply because predatory male folklore insists that ill-favoured women will be more “grateful”, but because Gainsbourg, a stylish contrarian, knew that the conversation would be better, the uglier the girl.”
I’ve always thought that late bloomers were the best types of girls to date. These were the girls that didn’t grow up as one of the cool kids therefore they didn’t spend as much time in hot pursuit of notoriety. In spending less time focusing on the latest turgid stream of bullshit that many of their peers wrapped themselves up in, they were off doing things they enjoyed. By being on the outside of this group they also learned real human emotions and character traits like empathy, friendship, and… humor! Fucking crazy right!? When these girls finally come into their more attractive figure after high school, they don’t possess all of the ignorance and entitlement that so often comes with a pretty face.
This is not to say a pretty face equates to boring company. I’m just saying that I’m not the only person whose noticed a correlation, so I’m usually a little apprehensive when I start a conversation with a strikingly attractive woman these days.
How do we fix this?
The system is broken. But there are work-arounds.
3). Normal social dynamics take a back seat to reality… Reality TV that is
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” -Mark Twain
Spoiler alert! Most television programs today are complete and utter shit. What’s worse is that the reality shows are making a larger impact than we think. It just so happens that these types of shows are often the cheapest to produce and even easier to manipulate with a little bit of editing. So why is it that this useless garbage is some of the most popular programming on Television? It’s the same reason everyone slows down after passing a car wreck on the highway, we want to lay witness to disasters and calamity. But what if it were actually rewiring our brains?
In psychology there is a term for this, it’s called Cultivation theory. This theory suggests that “those who spend more time watching television are more likely to perceive the real world in ways that reflect the most common and recurrent messages of the television world.” Thus if you see people constantly acting like sociopaths and lunatics then you overtime begin to rationalize that lunacy as regular/normal behavior. You are what you eat in regards to what types of “stimulating” entertainment you languish onto your brain. And as someone that doesn’t use this brand of mental bleach, I feel like I’m either falling behind or I’ve pulled too far ahead.
There’s a study out of Ohio State University that is suggesting reality television is changing our behavior based on the notion that we’re mirroring what we see on TV. So as a result women (and many men) have not only picked up the mannerisms and vernacular but they’re also walking around with a deranged and warped sense of reality. If many of these reality shows focus on the “asshole,” then it’s not a far reach to assume your inability to handle simple human interaction with strangers has shifted as well. These shows teach people that you will get the most attention (and respect) from those around you if you act like the biggest utterly self-obsessed and belligerent thunder-cunt you can be.
Is this why women who live in near me in the Washington DC area are so pleasant? Re-enacting the shit you’ve seen on TV onto perfect strangers in an effort to momentarily turn your own boring life into some bizarre reality TV show using the emotional zingers you’ve been holding onto for years is not okay; nor is it attractive. What’s worse is that even a lighter shade of this behavior involves a profound level of self absorption and delusional perceptions of grandeur. It actually creates a toxic environment for most anyone else that comes into your orbit. Simply put, imitating the craziest people on the planet is not a sought after trait. Take it a step even further and this psychotic act actually has a name, it’s called The Truman Show Delusion (this is a real thing).
Don’t spoil your precious grey matter with fictitious revelations based on the interactions you witnessed on a show about people from New Jersey. Don’t set unrealistic expectations of a courting process that include horseback riding on a beach for a first date. And don’t speak to me like you’re a world renown chef rescuing my restaurant or a talent judge that believes only warbling my next song will get me to the next round. How do we fix this?
Stop plugging up your brain with stupid shit?
-Bachelor/Bachelorette, talent shows, anything on MTV, TLC… maybe take a break from TV..?
Discussion of these shows fits practically nowhere in the social scene, so instead of slowing down for the burning wreck on the side of the road, take the scenic route. Find something stimulating and flip off the rubber-neckers from your ivory tower in I’mHavingFunTalkingToThisGirlVille… it’s a town. How you ask?
And lastly if all else fails, how about going to the gym for a little bit fat ass?
I know this might catch some people the wrong way and I assure you I’m not writing to get anyone’s panties in a bunch. I’m just piecing together what I’ve noticed is missing out there and what I’d wish for if I had the chance. Maybe I’m totally wrong and should just let the chips fall where they may, but I’d sure like it a lot more if the odds were in my favor the next time I meet someone new.