My 3 Rules: Dating Advice

Over the years I’ve come to depend on certain occurrences to happen with great regularity. From those experiences I’m able to form a stronger understanding of the world around me and recognize my actions before they turn into mistakes.

The odd thing about these rules is that many of us have to learn that the stove is hot by touching it a few times on our own. These can make perfect sense and be as direct as gets without ever taking the shape of metaphor… “Don’t mix beer and wine” or “don’t cook bacon naked.” But sometimes we have to chance the fates and try it on our own.

I have three simple rules that immediately spell “game over” for a girl’s dating potential. All three of these rules are easy to spot at a distance and can be easily uncovered within a minute or so of meeting a girl. I have literally shut down and walked away from women if they’re in violation of the three rules.

Rule #1

Macy's Brasil

No Brazilians:

Flat out- craziest; most illogical bitches on the planet. I have no doubt that the country of Brazil has a very diverse, wonderful, and unique culture but the women of this South American country happen to have what is called, “the Latin fire.” They do crazy shit… more over, these girls love to argue publicly like it’s going out of style because the drama is exciting for them. I don’t enjoy pointless conversation much less the ego stroking, “I’m-doing-this-for-attention” variety. The last thing I need is to find myself on the receiving end of a one sided food fight in a restaurant while a looney bitch flairs her hands wildly bouncing back and forth between Portuguese and broken English phrases. Seen it.

I also find some of the courtship processes a little off-putting as well. It’s not that I don’t think Brazilian girl’s are pretty, I just don’t “require” a months worth of dinner dates and half a dozen text fights before they feel like a man has “earned” her… Call me old fashioned, but I like my crazy like I like my hot peppers… on somebody else’s plate.

I hate to over-generalize an entire country- you get the point.


Half Brazilians (day walkers)


Rule #2

au pair picture

No Au Pairs:

(An Au Pair is a live-in Nanny)

If you haven’t met them when you’re out at the bars, I’m shocked. It’s usually the second question I’ll ask when I suspect when I start chatting with a woman from seemingly an exotic country who is just a little too old to be student but young enough to not be visiting the country on business. I have difficulty finding a middle ground in my conversations with these types. It’s not because they don’t have anything to say, it’s just that the lack of substantive conversation often takes a back seat to mundane ramblings about television shows they watch too much of while on the job or the dramatics amongst their group of Au Pair friends.

Au Pairs have a limited stay; this means they’re either looking for a green card or you’re not going to invest yourself into it long enough anyway because they’re gone in less than 8 months.

Au Pairs usually have lots of Au Pair friends who are also very good at being “almost.” They’re almost hot, almost live within a reasonable distance, almost speak enough English, almost normal… Le Sigh… Almost

Many Au Pairs are Brazilian. Fact.

Their job is too similar to rule #3


Au Pairs that have made friends outside of their Au Pair group.


Rule #3


No Early Childhood Educators:

Given that they’re a fragile bunch, I seldom explain this rule to teachers because none of them are capable of understanding how I can write off them and all of their teacher friends. It’s not uncommon for me to politely excuse myself from a conversation when I do meet a teacher. Here’s the thing, most of their human interactions throughout the week are with children, therefore the vocabulary, sense of humor, maturity, and even their interests begin to shift to that of a child. Many of the teachers I’ve met have difficulty understanding this slow shift. It’s like when someone starts to put on weight, the change is so slow you don’t often realize it’s happened unless you’re jumping on the scale each morning.I do get it though, playing to your audience is important especially if you’re trying to maintain the attention of 20 little bastards for 6 hours of each day. But when the work day is over, turning this “child-speak” off isn’t possible. My sense of humor, conversation points, and interpretations of the world are incongruent with what you’ve been doing all day. I’m not a child and therefore I won’t be talked to or with like I am one.

Tell me another kickball story.

As the Teacher, they’re in control of the classroom. They have learned dominance focused head games that are meant to hold the attention of a classroom and challenge any unruly child who wants to throw off the lesson plan, those games/tactics fall on deaf ears when they’re sent my way. Writing my name on the board will not result in me putting my head on my desk or thinking harder about what I’ve said. And I’m likely to take you less seriously with a stern tone and slightly forward leaning body language.

The hours are hell if you’re not a morning person.

Oddly enough, many early childhood educators happen to have a similar look. I can spot them from nearly a hundred yards out: Teacher haircut (shoulder length and drab), 20 lbs over weight, big fucking purse, they own too many drab cardigan sweaters and they’re always in a group of three or more. Get married at age 25 and enjoy your puns, leave me out of it.

They come in three flavors: Too sweet, too quiet, or too boring.

And finally, I’m unable to relate to your story about having a hard day because of an unruly eight year old in your class… I was that eight year old and I gave em’ hell…


Some teachers are very attractive… they usually teach above 6th grade. Some teachers are actually the type of people that want to shape minds and actually have a brain.

 When I see my ex at a party

Other honorable mentions that didn’t make the list of three:

-Red heads

-Bipolar girls

-Horse girls

-Girls that go to EDM shows or claim they love house music

-Girls that have gotten out of a long term relationship within the last month

-Or any of these girls

*I am by no means perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be. These are just my rules to govern my dating life by and so far they’ve continued to validate my system any time I test their waters.


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