Miscommunication with idiots

My favorite thing about Fridays and Saturdays in the summer time is that they are completely unpredictable. If done properly, no two are ever alike and they can last forever. On one particular weekend a group of my friends and I had started with drinking around 7:00 PM and we chose to mix it up a bit so instead of bars we opted to go check out a party a few miles further beyond most of the places we were accustomed to going.

The group of about seven of us (girls and guys) managed to arrive altogether around 11:00. Upon entering the relatively small apartment some of us caught a bit of “elitist” in the air. A handful of eye rolls and quick exits made it obvious that this wasn’t going to be a “we’re all friends here” type of bunch. I made a quick visual evaluation upon entering, fixed myself a stiff drink, and then headed towards the back balcony to smoke a cigarette and try to make sense of how to capitalize on the group.

Once out on the back balcony with a friend of mine it was painfully obvious that the rest of the people were either drunk or perturbed by our presence. In the middle of my conversation with a friend a girl seated in a chair near by announced in a naisaly tone, “Um. Excuse me?!”

My friend and I slowly turned our gaze to the left and downward to look at a girl seated in a chair nearby.

“Yeah so I don’t want to sound rude,” she started to say.

I rolled my eyes. When someone prefaces a statement with a line like that, it means the following statement is going to be RUDE and further; they are aware of how it’s going to sound but they won’t be making an effort to clean it up because they don’t care how they sound. It’s lazy and tactless quite frankly, a strong card usually reserved for chicks without personalities that don’t have social grace. It’s the same as saying,  I don’t want to come off sounding racist or I don’t want to sound like a bitch…. but…. Anyway I’ve encountered this before, so I squinted at this little brunette chick reclined in a deck chair and braced for it.

“So I don’t know any of you guys, why are you in my apartment.” She said swiveling her head a bit to add to the already cemented presumption that she was an awful person.

I flicked some of the ash off my cigarette while cringing at her then looked back inside. “We know the girl Christina. She lives here right? Well a handful of my friends are on her kickball team.” I said plainly.

“Yeah. She’s my room mate.” The girl retorted annoyed.

“Ok, great. We solved that mystery. Pleasure to meet you, I’m Taylor.” I said extending my hand for a hand shake.

“Yeah Stephanie.” She said making a grossed out face at my hand then standing up and walking inside without shaking it.

I turned to my friend and winced at him. “If that’s any indication of how our night will play out, it’s going to be a long one.”

We went inside and I tried to work the room for the sake of giving it a fair chance. If nothing else maybe I could help combine the groups by sorting out whether there were even genuine characters worth meeting there. Every girl I introduced myself to was quickly surrounded by a random guy who wanted to know why I was talking to his girlfriend. Half the time I wanted to say “she’s not even that hot dude, I’d have to be way drunker than this to steal her from you.” But I bit my tongue and endured.

Every guy I tried to engage in a dialogue seemed either awkward or too over-the-top broish to be able to hold a conversation. As if it was beyond comprehension as to why a perfect stranger would want to initiate a dialogue with another stranger. When the party took a turn for the mundane shortly before 1:00 AM , my friend Scott and I left to hit the small strip on bars in an area called Crystal City only two blocks away from the party.

We smashed shots and talked to a few random people at a place called Tortuous and the Hair while a live band played cover songs in the background. We closed out shortly after last call and stood in front of the bar smoking cigarettes waiting for our uber cab (iphone app that orders cabs for you) to come grab us. I placed a call to my friends to see if they were still at the party as I walked a short ways down the sidewalk so I could hear the call. My friends voicemail picked up and I was about to dial another call when I spotted a group of about 8 people from the party. Two of them were girls I had known from high school (and I had even talked with both of them shortly with at the party) and the rest were a bunch of goober broish douchey guys that I had attempted to converse with very briefly.

As they got within about 10 yards of me I called out to them using a slight modification to a line borrowed from the movie The Cable Guy, “You guys go here too? Wierrrd.”

I love the line and have been know to use it when when I see people I know at random events. It’s also fitting to throw in when you know the person(s) is/are going to be in attendance at a specific event or  it’s even a solid line when you run into acquaintances you just saw moments ago to make light of seeing someone in a place you figured you would likely see them.

The guy closest to the front of the group made a face at me then said, “Shut your fucking mouth faggot. Nobody wants to hang out you tonight, go have gay sex with your little faggot friends inside.”

Confused and caught totally off guard I received looks from the rest of the guys along with the two girls as they passed me. I was flabbergasted. Mind you I hadn’t done anything remotely rude or obnoxious at the party so I felt this was all way out of line. I called after the two girls individually and threw my hands up in confusion. They barely glanced my way displaying strange faces of their own as they kept going.

“The fuck was that?” I yelled after them now fuming from the rudeness of the comments made by the short scrawny guy leading the pack.

Earlier in the night I had even made some effort to talk with most of these guys at the party but the fact was most of them thought very highly of themselves (for no reason) and they had all been stand-offish as if we had rained on their fucking parade by showing up. Or maybe they were just idiots that didn’t know how to meet new people. As far as I knew, I had been way cooler than any of these tools for years so when an audacious little short shit with a chip on his shoulder mouths off in such a way to me, it puts me into an aggressive mindset.

I looked beside me for just a moment and didn’t immediately realize the cause of the miscommunication and it wouldn’t fully click in until I was in the cab on the way home later that night. I hadn’t taken into account that I had wondered further up the street while I was on the phone moments ago while trying to call my friend. So when I yelled flamboyantly their direction I was standing directly in front of the doorway of the next bar over, Freddie’s.

You see, Freddy’s is a gay bar. It’s decorated with lots of purple and pink lights that that splash color and light onto the sidewalk, rainbow flags hang from the awning, above the windows, and over the main door. It’s very gay even at a distance. So it must have appeared that I had ceremoniously invited them to a gay bar. The fact that I made an obvious effort to talk to a few of these guys at the party probably had them thinking there was something “off” about me to begin with. None of these guys were the type that would normally introduce themselves to other guys around them, why would they right? Also note that these clowns were almost certainly unfamiliar with the obscure movie quote I shouted to them much less the context of its use.

So when a guy you don’t know who tried to talk to you (awkwardly at that) at a party is now standing in front of a brightly colored gay bar pointing out with enthusiasm, “you guys go here too?” followed by, “Weirrrd!~” … it’ll throw you off.

To the untrained ear I suppose it sounds more like, “this gay bar is a place I frequent and it’s strange that I didn’t know you guys were also gay (like me) and go here too; how curious that we’re not lovers already.”

I guess I might have been caught off guard too given different circumstances. But, I still don’t think the short shit in front had the right to get so sharply aggressive with his words but I understand the confusion; now. However, at the time; both parties on either side of the exchange had an entirely different understanding of one another. It appeared to them that I was gay and was asserting something in the way of a homoerotic experience and they appeared to me to be acting like hot-to-trot assholes who needed a reality check. Mind you that I’ve been involved in physical altercations over far less.

Note that I hadn’t fully put it all together yet. The effects of all the whiskey, jager, and tequila I had put into my system earlier weren’t helping my cognitive abilities. So needless to say, I was a can of gasoline and that little asshat was flicking matches my direction. Still standing in front of the gay bar, I watched them as they approached the front doorway of the next bar over. I knew they wouldn’t be getting in because it was after last call and they were pushing people out the door already. My mind was focused and I was angry. I started heading their way. As they were coming back my direction I put hand out and stopped the short guy in front of the group stopping him in the middle of the sidewalk.

Attempting a calm tone, I spoke, “Listen man you’ve got some nerve, I went out of my way to be nice to you at that party. I didn’t know any of you guys but I made an effort to at least talk to you. And you know that! And an-”

The strange looks of aversion and dumbfounded embarrassment continued spreading on the faces of the other guys and two girls as they watched me talking to the short guy. The entire group was now under the impression that I was making a pathetic attempt to salvage my possible hook-up with this guy. Like the drunk guy pleading with the big girl at the bar to just come back to his place to cuddle, nothing else.

Suddenly he put both hands up in a flustered fashion, “I… I… -We’re just going home man! Geeze!”

Still not understanding their actions, I figured the short guy was further disrespecting me by not even acknowledging that someone of his stature doesn’t get to speak like that and walk away from a stranger without at least a warning, much less this stranger. I was on the verge of throwing down, you don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you after you’ve hurled insults at me in front of your friends. I let loose with an ear full of insults, directions on how to pull his head out of his ass, and a few more choice expletive laden insults towards his friends in an effort to either finish my words or fuck up some idiots on the street. To my surprise they all seemed to be struck with profound confusion more than anger as they continued slip away down the street.

All of them were under the impression that I was just an unreasonably aggressive homosexual that was fuming and irate over a failed attempts to take a guy home.

In the cab on the way back to my place, I couldn’t quite understand why any of that shit had transpired and found it strange that they slinked home instead of going toe to toe with me. I started to put everything together and began laughing hysterically at my own expense as the connections fit into place. I wasn’t even able to explain it to my friend Scott until I was being let out of the cab in front of my house.

I can only imagine what kind of story these guys were telling on their cab ride home. Something about a terribly upset gay guy that was furious on account of not getting to have his way with any of them especially the small one. Had I understood all of this at the time I would have approached the situation in an entirely different manner. Or at least pressed the little fucker with some gay banter to for shits and giggles. What’s funnier is that I was on the verge of fighting this guy. I imaged myself getting arrested and then sitting on the sidewalk in handcuffs trying to give my side of the story to a cop… while undoubtedly the other guy would be across the street with all of his friends explaining that I was a disturbed gay guy and I got hostile when I found out they weren’t gay and perhaps I was even trying to rape them or something. A reverse hate crime. All of this was over a misunderstanding based on the location of where I was standing and the use of a misinterpreted line from a rather unpopular movie made in 1996… this is my life.

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