Often times you’ll come across bizarre circumstances that cause you to wonder if an event is a coincidence or perhaps a cause and effect. This is one of those stories.
I went out to the bars with a few friends on a random Thursday and by midnight the last one had gone home, leaving me to own devises. I marched around the bar alone, trying to catch a pair of eyes or someone that struck my fancy. Even though I thought I had seen a high number of “prospects” early on, as it continued to get later there was a very minimal chance of turning my night into anything spectacular. If you haven’t put in any work after midnight, it’s not really worth your time. I closed out my tab feeling defeated and headed towards the door. Just as I was nearly out, I spotted a girl I hadn’t really seen since high school. I had no real desire to flirt with her but I figured it was worth a few minutes of my time. Oddly enough she was excited to catch up and things were going seemingly well for the better part of ten minutes.
Without warning, some fat guy with a beard began screaming out her name from across the bar and drew her attention away.
She looked at me then back at the bearded guy, “Oh my gosh! Hey can you hold on one sec? I promise I’ll be right back.”
I rolled my eyes and gave half a “get out of here” gesture with my head towards the fat drunk bearded guy. I knew that it was highly unlikely that she would be coming back as I watched her run up and pounce on the fat bearded oaf. I was disappointed, but I also knew when to cut my losses. I’m not even going to bother competing with guy like that over something so ridiculous. Before I could even turn for the door, seemingly out of nowhere, a brunette with a cute smile appeared in front of me.
“I like your Jacket!” She said with a mischievous little smile.
Let’s call her Lisa.
I thanked her and launched into ten minutes of good conversation when all the lights suddenly came on indicating we had reached last call.
“What are your plans for the rest of the evening?” I said plainly, fully expecting Lisa to give me a tired line about hanging out with her friends.
“I’m not sure, it depends. What are you up to?” she asked smiling while rocking side to side.
Shocked and impressed, I pushed the words out, “Well you should come with me back to my place, I’m not too far down the road.”
“Sounds fun, but I’m not sure my friends will let me go.” She said turning to see if her friends were still in the bar.
Things were getting interesting very quickly.
We walked outside together as her friends followed us closely behind. “You’re cute.” one of them said drunkenly pointing at me. She was cute in the face but larger than what I would feel comfortable going home with.
“Well thanks hun, you’re not so bad yourself.” I said in charming tone winking at Lisa.
“That’s my roommate,” Lisa said laughing.
“I want to kiss you, you’re hot.” Said the blond roommate giving me her best sexy face and walking closer towards me and Lisa.
“Well I think we could do a three-way make-out so nobody feels left out.” I said nonchalantly looking at both of them.
Lisa didn’t flinch, “Alright, works for me. Get in here Britney!” Lisa said grabbing Britney’s shoulder and brought everyone’s face in.
We kissed for all of five seconds and the two girls burst out laughing as I slowly pulled away and smiled.
“My friends are leaving, we have to go!” Lisa said pointing at her friends getting into a car about thirty feet away.
“Well my offer still stands,” I said wrapping my arm around Lisa’s waist and letting go of Britney. “My place is close by anyway.”
Lisa looked at me and then hesitantly at her friends. “Will you give me a ride in the morning?”
I shrug, “I think that’s pretty reasonable, of course I can do that.”
Lisa leaned in and kissed me, “Let me just say bye to my friends real quick!”
I stood and watched her for a moment. I felt like I’d just pulled off a huge casino heist and was just watching the lights and the giant fountains in front of the Bellagio sparkle in the Las Vegas night. It’s a feeling of being mystified, amazed, excited, and of course even a little nervous all at once. I leaned up against a lamp post and let out a long relaxed sigh as she skipped over to her friends car. They high fived her as she quickly said something inaudible and leaned into the car for a hug. One of them waved at me before I heard another friend yell out, “get it girl! He’s hot.”
If I could bottle the feeling of undeserved success and elated optimism, I’d be the richest man in the world.
She was just as excited about meeting someone new and making an evening of it as me when she practically floated back over. Within ten minutes we were back at my house and in my room.
The night went well. We both got what we wanted out of the evening and had our fair share of fun. In the morning we woke up and chatted about all kinds of things for over an hour. She actually had a great sense of humor and fun personality. I had assumed she would have turned into a pumpkin or some type of weirdo upon sunrise. After we finally got out of bed, I gave her a ride to the restaurant where her friends were eating brunch. Just before she got out of the car, I got her phone number. I told her I had a great time and would text her in the near future. She waved before walking into the restaurant and disappeared inside where her friends were waiting.
Upon getting back home, I stripped down, threw on a towel, and walked into the bathroom to shower up. I stepped into the shower and reached for the knob to turn on the water but I was instantly overcome with the smell of shit. It was unusually pungent, not like someone had just blown up the bathroom but like it was right under my nose. I hesitated to turn on the shower and looked around the tub. It was clean.
I stepped out of the shower looked at the toilet. Bingo. It appeared to have a brown substance smeared on the sides and bottom of the seat. “The fuck?!” I said out-loud.
Upon further inspection, I found that there was shit tucked away in all sorts of places in the bathroom. There was shit on the floor, there was shit on the lip of the toilet bowl, there was shit on the shower curtain, the bath-mat, it was everywhere. When I pulled the shower curtain back I found a big smear of it on the edge of the tub with finger prints in it. I started to laugh out loud, “You must be joking! It’s fucking everywhere!”
I almost began to re-enact the entire scene from Dumb and Dumberer where Bob Saget discovers what he thinks is shit all over his bathroom.
I went back to my room and grabbed my cell phone to snap a quick photo of the big swath of crap that lay on the side of the tub. What kind of person does this? My mind was racing, it was like a real life game of Clue but instead of a murder weapon it was poop. And instead of finding the murderer it was a matter of identifying the shitter. It was a regular “who-done-it” mystery. But why?! Where’s the motive?
I can’t imagine the dog could have managed this, there was too much variation in the places it was smeared; he was safe. Could it have been one of my roommates? If it was them, why wouldn’t they have the sense to clean up something like that? They would have to deal with fecal matter being all around them just as I would in their own bathroom. It’s not like it was tooth paste or something. Under what circumstances would this happen anyway? Maybe it was stuck on someone’s shoe, but that that wouldn’t explain why it was on the toilet seat. Or is it possible that it was the girl I’d just brought home the night before. Why did she feel the need to spread it around? Who does that? Retracing my steps, I remember she had used the bathroom for a bit before we left. Could she be the culprit? I had used the bathroom the night before and didn’t remember seeing it, but I was drunk. Had she fallen while shitting and tried to clean it up and maybe she was just too embarrassed to tell me.
Too many questions and not enough answers. I needed some information, I needed to interview some suspects but how do you begin to ask someone “did you smear shit all over my bathroom?” Before I accused the roommate I would have to live with and who shares the bathroom with me, I thought it best to ask the girl who I’d only known for a handful of hours. I needed to know if this was the type of behavior she thought to be “normal.”
I didn’t want to call because it’s a weird thing to say over the phone. So I texted her, “Um super odd question. It seems we have a bit of a mystery on our hands. Um did you rub feces all over the side of the tub downstairs?”
She handled the question quite well, in fact, found it to be funny. The poop looked like it had sat and dried over the course of more than a few hours so I was starting to think the time tables didn’t make sense. I began to believe her claims to know nothing of it could very well be true. It’s a good thing she had a sense of humor about it because if she had profusely denied it I would have been more skeptical. Now I knew there was only one other person to ask, the roommate. We had encountered a few non-flushing incidents and a couple shaving then leaving of pubes on seat in the previous two months. So it was entirely possible that he could have something to do with this… shit.
I knew he was home and knocked on his door, “Hey buddy, got a second?”
He opened his door, “what’s up?”
“I want to show you something, it’ll take just a second.”
He followed me to the bathroom where I knelt down pointed to the shower curtain, then lifted it up like I was the medical examiner from CSI Miami exposing a dead body at a crime scene. “What the fuck is that?” I said looking at him.
His eyes darted around the room. He fumbled his words for a minute, “Well, uh- I know that Josh (other roommate) started a new diet recently. But I don’t mind cleaning it up.” He said vanishing out of the room to grab paper towels.
The jig was up. “Book em Danno.” I said in my head.
No alibi, and a pretty weak cover up. We had uncovered our culprit. I walked out of the bathroom and let my roommate clean it up. The shower curtain still had some shit stains on it for a few days until I eventually cleaned it off. A little later that week I cross questioned my other roommates just to affirm my conclusions. They both found the entire thing funny however neither of them knew anything about the incident. I never had the heart to ask how or why it happened. I think sometimes it’s best to let these things slide… sometimes, shit happens.