My Tummy Hurts

Sometimes timing is everything. I firmly believe that we are so often victims of circumstance rather than our choosing. For example, if Elvis had been born ten years later or ten years earlier, then he’d likely just be some no-name guy living out in the middle of Tennessee. I enjoy the role that random chance plays in my life. I think part of the reason I’ve managed to stay single for so long can be attributed to the fact that big moments of change tend to creep into my life just as I’m starting to get to know someone worth knowing.

When I was 22, I took a semester to go to school abroad in England. It was a wonderful experience. Looking back on it, it may have been the happiest time in my life. In fact, once I arrived home, I had a new found sense of “self.”

I had only stepped off my plane a mere two hours earlier and I was already heading to a party at a friend’s house. I couldn’t wait to share my experiences and see all my old friends I hadn’t talked with in over three months. Upon arrival, I was nearly overwhelmed with all the reuniting celebrations and shots to make up for lost time.

After working my way around the house to all the different groups of friends I stumbled onto a cute brunette sorority girl named Kirsten. She had light brown eyes, straightened chestnut brown hair, and a tight little body. Her sense of humor and overall pleasant demeanor was infectious. We instantly clicked. That night we stayed up talking until nearly 5:00 AM, just talking! Call me gay, but that’s never been my style, my only conclusion was that this one was different. I was really impressed with her. She seemingly had everything I was looking for; personality, looks, ambition, good listening skills, sweet, etc.

We even waited until we had gone on a handful of really great dates before we got close to sex. Often this proved to be rarity with me given that I’ve just got a high drive and big curiosity. After going out together for the fourth week in a row, I was already starting to wonder if it was time for me to hang up the old single life-style for a taste of something “regular.” It certainly felt like it was heading that direction.

I had hinted to Kirsten over the weekend I was hoping to do a nice dinner and a movie thing on the approaching Wednesday. Wednesday came quickly and I sent her a simple text firming up our plans around the late afternoon. I said I would be heading over to pick her up as soon as I got dressed.

“I don’t know, my tummy hurts.” I received in response.

I was a little puzzled by this because we had texted back and forth about our plans since the weekend. This was the first I had heard of her being ill and it was somewhat unlike her to cancel last minute. I had also really been looking forward to do something couple-like as opposed to the standard prowling for strange I’d become so accustomed to over many years. I decided to give her a call.

“Hello?” She answered, sounding perfectly normal.

“Hey, are you ok?” I said with a genuine tone of concern leaning back into my computer chair.

“Oh, Yeah.” She said plainly. “I’ve just had stomach issues all day and I think I’m over-reacting, but maybe I should stay in.”

“Alright,” I said empathetically, “I was really kind of looking forward to this. I understand if you’re not feeling well enough though. Do you think eating dinner might make you feel better?”

“Yeah,” she said. “My stomach isn’t that bad. It’s a light stomach ache and it’s pretty much gone. I think I’m over-reacting”

I put on my over the top bachelor voice, “Well I know it’s not from a certain Aunt flow visiting because that was nearly two weeks ago. Take some pepto, man-up, and let’s get together!”

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal. I’m fine; Really.” She said playfully, “I want to see you tonight. When are you coming to pick me up?”

After a little more flirting, I told her I’d be there in about 20 minutes. I threw on a shirt and jumped into my truck.

Once I arrived, I greeted her at the door with a hug and a kiss. I light-heartedly played the part of the classic over-the-top chivalrous gentleman as I opened the passenger side door for her and then ran around the front of the car with a big shit eating grin and got in. The plan was to check out a trendy little Chinese place and then head to the movie theater afterwards.

I’m a big fan of full disclosure in nearly all aspects of my life. I’m aware that bodily functions are a part of everyone’s day-to-day. I’m not grossed out to find out that someone spent the day shitting out a kidney because they ate bad seafood or something. In fact, that’s actually funny to me.

“SO!” I said turning to her giving her a funny little smile. “What happened with your stomach? Is it any better?”girl in car

“Ugh!” She exclaimed laughing. “Nothing, it’s not a big deal.”

I started to laugh, “Well, if it’s not a big deal then why did you almost let it ruin a perfectly good Wednesday night date? Is it bloody diarrhea, anal fissures, or something worse? What are we talking about here?” I asked playfully while keeping my eyes on the road.

“Ew!” She shouted at me. “No, it’s nothing like that!”

“Ok, well I’m a grown up.” I said winking at her, “Are you alright?”

“Do you really want to know?” She said wincing a bit.

“Yeah, I can handle it. You’ve gotta tell me now, because the suspense is killing me.” I said flashing my eyes at her.

“Ok, ” She said taking a deep breath, “So I went to a house party at my friends place last night and I started having sex with this guy and the condom slipped off. So I had to get the morning after pill. And my tummy has been hurting ever since.”

“WAIT WHAT?!” I shouted turning my head and glaring at her.

“It’s not a big deal.” She said surprised at my reaction.

“Are you fucking serious?!? You’re joking right?”

She looked at me innocently and slowly shrugged.

“What the fuck Kirsten? I’ve been taking you out on dates?!” I yelled completely shocked and appalled.

She looked out the window, “Well if I knew this was going to be a problem, I wouldn’t have told you.”

Checking my mirrors, “I’m taking you back home.” I announced firmly while getting into the left turning lane as we approached the traffic light ahead.

“No, wait.” She said confused. “Just drive, we can talk about this. Why are you mad?”

“What fucking planet do you live on?” I come to a stop at the red light and looked at her.

“Who does this!? I’ve been taking you out to places and showing you a good time for well over a month now; you’re out raw dogging it with other dudes?!”

Confused and on the defensive, she got flustered, “Well I didn’t know we were exclusive!.”

“What a fucking joke you are.” I said shaking my head turning my eyes angrily towards the road trying to will the light to change to green.

“I can make this up to you.” She said in a much softer tone. “I even had a huge surprise planned for us tonight instead of doing the movie. Now everything is ruined.”

My eyes shifted back towards her, “Bullshit. What kind of surprise?”

“I’m supposed to be house-sitting my neighbors place. They’re like super rich and have a really huge house with an outdoor hot tub, a custom built shower, and a California king size bed. I’m supposed to be watching the place for them until they get back on Friday.”

The turning arrow of the traffic light changed to green and I hesitated for a moment.

I inhaled and pursed my lips knowing that a moral decision has been laid out in front of me. On the one hand, I had the option to take the high ground on this one.

I could say “No, you’re a slut and your behavior is unacceptable.”

I could choose to base my choice on a matter principal and take her home. If I choose to take the mature route I would end up giving a speech about character and her lack of human qualities the entire way back until I dropped her off. I’d probably feel vindicated but would still be upset with myself that I had opted to refuse sex over proving a point.

Or, I could choose to momentarily displace that anger in the form of sex. If I allowed for the indiscretion to be rationalized as a “momentary lapse in judgment, a mulligan, an incidental, an accident, etc” I would not only get laid but I’d also have the option of never speaking to her again out of spite.

When is the next time I would be able rail out a slut in an expensive hot tub outsides during a chilly early December evening?

I paused for a moment, “I’m not even that hungry, and how close is the house?”

Kirsten smiled. “Not far.”

I shook my head as I turned on some music with a smirk, “You better believe I’m going to fuck the inconsiderate-retard-slut out of you.”

“You better.” She said rubbing my knee.

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