I left Happy Hour and stopped by CVS in Ballston Mall after about 5 beers. I was in line for the self checkout behind one guy and had one person behind me. A fat Middle Eastern lady ambled up with four Pringles cans and a bar of soap in her hands and stepped in front of me.
“I believe we’ve got a bit of a line here,” I said loudly.
Stunned at first, she stuttered for a moment while somewhat flustered. “Oh, uh-Yes, I was over there,” she said turning halfway towards me then points to the empty checkout area where nobody is currently working at any of the registers. “You can go over there.” She said turning her back to me.
I put on my best game show voice, “Well that’s a rather unrealistic idea. You must be new to shopping or just new to standing in lines?” I said with a raised eyebrow.
She turned around and glared at me.
“See that’s not exactly how it works. I understand that nobody is working those registers, but you’ve just managed to walk in front of me and this gentleman and we’re clearly already waiting in this line.” I said using very exaggerated gestures and almost dancing while pointing to the guy behind me who wants nothing to do with my argument over principal.
The lady stared at me and looked confused, “But there isn’t anyone over there?”
“Indeed. And yet here we are,” I said rocking back and forth from heel to toe and gesturing as though I had somehow appeared out of thin air.
She looked back and forth between the closed checkout lines, the self checkout, and myself with a look that said information overload.
“Clearly you’re in a bigger hurry than everyone else in this store and perhaps this entire mall. Hell even the state!” I said with heavy sarcasm giving a slow motion elbow towards the guy behind me.
“Yes, I am thank you.” The lady said with a relieved tone that suggested I was being serious.
I started laughing, “Well fuck a duck.”
“Did you really think that a woman who doesn’t understand line-etiquette would have any idea how to interpret sarcasm?” the guy behind me said with a big grin.
The woman took about 5 minutes to figure out how to navigate the only working self check-out machine while I patiently waited and made idle chit chat with the guy behind me. When she was all finished she turned and thanked me.
“No, no!” I said, “Thank you! and enjoy those four Pringles cans and bar of soap.” I said with a wink and a smile.
“Oh,” She said smiling- unaware of my sarcasm, “thank you.”