In this day in age it’s becoming very common place for people to connect online and later meet in person. According to an article I found on Zimvi.com, over 40 million Americans were using the internet to try and find dates in 2010. The most common thing men lie about is age and as you might have guessed, women most often lie about their weight… I can independently validate the second part of that statement.
It was the end of January and I was living in San Diego. Having only been in town for a month, I hadn’t been able to branch out as much as I would have liked and quite frankly, I was getting pretty lonely. I’ve never been bashful or shy about the online dating thing, so it wasn’t long before I had lined up a date. Her profile said she was a little shorter than me and had an “average” body type. She told me she worked as a hair dresser but was thinking about going back to school. Ascetically speaking, I really couldn’t see shit from the two grainy pictures she had posted, it was fairly clear she had blond hair and what looked like huge boobs; beyond that it was a huge toss up. But given my lack of luck with women so far in that area, I was willing to chance it.
same girl as below
We chatted via messages on the dating site throughout the week. By Thursday, she had invited me to come with her to a friend’s house for a Friday night birthday bash. I didn’t have plans yet as I still had very few friends and it sounded like a fun idea anyway. I’ve always been very well received at most house parties; besides if we hit any dull moments I could always talk to other people there. We exchanged numbers and I texted her my address and the general time for her to come by. I had my doubts of course, but Friday night came around quickly. Knowing it was too late to cancel, I texted her, “Come over and pick me up, I’m ready!”
I waited on the side walk outside my townhouse, excited for whatever the night might bring. I was sharply dressed, had two thirds of a handle of captain Morgan’s in a bag with some off brand soda as a mixer/chaser; I was ready for an eventful evening, no matter the outcome, the circumstances were all too foreign that it was going to be a unique evening one way or another.
I debated for a while about bringing so much liquor. I could potentially get too trashed on it or maybe drink none of it. After a few moments I came to the conclusion that it’s a nice gesture and nobody likes a moocher.
As I waited there I realized I truly had no idea what I was getting myself into. All of the “what if’s” begin to swirl in my head. I haven’t the slightest clue as to what this girl actually looked like beyond two small cropped blurry images on her dating site profile. What if she’s fat? What if she sucks and I end up stranded at a house too far from where I live to do anything about it.
“Zero exit strategy, go for brass ring, no surrender, no retreat” I kept saying in my head trying to psych myself up as I did a little pump up dance pretending to kick imaginary dust off the tops of my shoes like a boxer does stepping into the ring.
My phone rang. I took a deep breath, and answered, “Hello? This is Taylor.”
Same girl as above
“Hey, I’m on your street. Come outside so I can see you.”
“I’m already out in front; I’ll flag you down when I see you coming.”
About a block away I could see two headlights approaching as I stood between two parallel parked cars onto the street and began to wave. The car didn’t slow down as it passed me but I could see a guy giving me a weird face in the driver’s seat when it went by. This was a good start.
Moments later a second car approached with one headlight slightly lower than the other; I squinted as the car approached.
It was her. She drove a little Mazda Miata and as coasted up to me it was obvious that the vehicle was, without a doubt, heavily slumped towards the driver’s side due to the driver’s disproportionate weight.
“Holyshit!” I said aloud looking all around me to see if I’d been set up or maybe this was some type of joke.
The window lowered as I stayed planted where I stood, “Hey boy,” the girl said propping up a fat elbow out of the window in sad attempt to sound and look sexy.
Fight or Flight instinct commonly kicks in right here. I knew that if I took off running and didn’t look back my evening would be over before I had even given it a chance. However, if I get in, there’s a very good chance I’ll be hanging out with a gross fat liar for the entire night. No exit strategy. I cracked my neck on both sides and stepped forward.
“Hi! How are you?” I said trying not to appear bothered.
I walked around the front of the car with a fake smile on my face and peered through the windshield. This fucking girl was fat, not fluffy, and not voluptuous just fat. She could barely fit in the car and looked uncomfortable where she sat. It reminded me of “Professor Klump” from the movie The Nutty Professor when Eddie Murphy suddenly goes from skinny to fat inside a sports-car and has to be cut out of it using the Jaws of Life.
After a split second of hesitation I lifted the door handle and get in.
“Hey you!” She gleefully squealed as I put my liquor on the floor, “are you excited for tonight?”
Glancing over but not wanting to turn fully I could already see vast amounts of concealer and other thick make-up products flaking off this girl’s fat face. I began to imagine this girl eating powdered donuts. Looking closer, I spotted a heavy-fold-defined double chin resting atop her big fat tits which were pressed up to her neck with a push up bra that was 5 sizes too small. Picture a heavier miss piggy, but with more whore make-up on.
Now I understand a lot of this sounds very malicious and chauvinistic but I was under the impression that I was getting something more “normal” and for all intents and purposes, I had imagined a pretty little blond girl and this was far from what I had ordered.
“Yeah,” I said awkwardly grinning, “as excited as I’ll ever be. So where exactly is this party?”
“It’s over by State,” She said flipping on her turn signal and turning onto the main road towards the highway.
“Is that far?” I asked hesitantly knowing I was screwed.
“It’s like 25 minutes, tops.” She announced turning up the pop music station on the radio and pealing off down the road.
I sunk a little into my seat. “Charlie brown, you are well fucked and far from home,” I thought to myself. Unless I play nice, I’m not going to have any reasonable way home. That’s probably a $50 cab ride home.
Her terrible driving skills didn’t put me at ease as I watched her consistently lose sight of the road while texting friends and trying to work the radio.
We talked about our basic backgrounds and what brought us to our current living situations. We then both shared why we were looking for people online, I explained that I had just moved to the area and hardly knew anyone. She said that she was tired of guys she met at bars. A bit of silence followed, practically because I imagined that guys at bars were only talking to her right around last call. Because… well, she wasn’t really up to par with a lot of the girls hanging around that city. I know it sounds like I’m ripping this girl a new one, but once again, put yourself in my shoes. I thought I had ordered a nice steak and then they brought me two day old taco bell. I wasn’t happy, it was false advertising was what it was.
We talked about her and her life for most of the ride until we got on the topic of her favorite music. She said that she didn’t like anything other than rap, pop, and country. When I stated I listened to a bit of everything but had found myself listening to jazz more recently she looked at me like I was irritating or just said something offensive. Silence followed.
Moments later Sarah started to giggle out of the blue, “What?” I asked slightly worried, turning to look at her.
She giggled a little, “It’s nothing. But I told my friends that I met you online.” She looked over and smiled, “They all think its super creepy but I told them I didn’t care, so you’ve got to be nice to them, ok?”
“Ugh.” I said lowering my head, sinking further into the seat. I brought my right hand to the side of my face to massage my right temple.
“Let me get this straight, everyone at this party thinks I’m creepy and they know that we found each other on a dating website.” I said beginning to wish I had stayed home.
“Yeah, they think it’s really weird and didn’t want you to come at all but since you’re with me, it’s cool. And I told them you found me on craigslist because I don’t want them using the site and snatching up the best guys.” She said proudly as she flipped on her turn signal to take the next exit off the freeway.
I looked out the window hopelessly as I imagined the car careening off a cliff. My impending and unavoidable evening would surely be filled with embarrassment and poor explanations. I knew it was too late jump out of a moving car by that point and a cab ride would be way too expensive even if I figured out where I was. I had to go with this.
We pulled up to a modest middle-of-suburbia house in a quiet neighborhood. It was a one level single family home with a two car garage. From the front I could see the place had a decent sized fenced in backyard and judging by some of the noise coming from its direction, it was probably a decent little party.
I sluggishly grabbed my bag of booze from the floor of the car and dragged my feet following my waddling date. The hardest part is always the initial introduction. Before Sarah even got up to the second step, the front door flew open smacking the side of the house. Five extremely attractive young girls appeared pressed tightly together in the doorway. I could only assume they wanted to see what her “online date” looked like.
“Hey Sarah! Is that him!?” One of the girls called out as they all burst into laughter. I rolled my eyes.
I half saluted and half waved, “Hey girls.”
I stepped up to the doorway and made all the introductions trying to act as non-creepy as possible, which probably made me look creepier.
Once inside, I made my way around the living room introducing myself quickly to the 10 or so people who were just standing around mostly silent, watching us come inside. After a few brief moments, I headed straight for the kitchen to make myself a strong drink. I grabbed an empty solo cup from the counter and tossed a handful of ice cubes in, filled the cup 3/4 of the way up with rum, added a dash of soda on top, and began gulping it down.
My rationale in those situations where you feel terribly out of place is always, “drink until it isn’t weird anymore.” I looked up from my stiff drink and realized my “date” was staring at me.
“Get me a drink.” She demanded.
“Hah!” I laughed loudly taking another deep gulp and pausing for a moment, “try again.”
“I want a beer.” She proclaimed putting her hands on her hips as if I better snap to it.
I leaned up against the counter, winked at her, and nearly finished the remaining contents of my drink, “Where I’m from, we say please. How about a shot instead?”
“No, I’m driving.” She said appearing impatient.
“Wait, so you’re not drinking tonight?” I asked while pouring more rum into my cup.
“Nope, I don’t drink and drive.” She said folding her arms, “I’ll have one drink and that’s it for the night.”
I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and handed it over to her, “Sarah you are setting me up for a strange evening. I’m going to be drinking, because… well, it’s a party and if I’m consuming alcohol and you’re not- it might not go as well as….”
“Want to play beer pong?” Sarah blurted out.
“Sure.” I said slowly shaking my head. I reached back over to my handle and poured more rum into my cup before hiding the liquor in the freezer.
I followed her into the garage where six stoner dudes were mid-way through a game of 10 cup beer pong and smoking weed out of a tall glass bong on the floor. We wrote our name on a list and I made an effort to have a conversation with Sarah while we waited. She was a hair dresser that had never been outside of California and had no goals in life. I changed the subject to something easier like the bars we both liked. I was starting to feel a bit more loosened up as the alcohol I was imbibing myself with took effect.
“Hey, it’s your turn,” Said one of the stoner-dudes who looked like a fat version of the any of the guys from Blink 182.
The game started and they sank two cups straight away. I handed her one of the cups and brought the other to my face and started to drink.
“Um, I’m not drinking- remember I have to drive tonight.” she said while I was halfway through gulping down my first cup. I looked down to see her placing her cup next to me.
“You can drink for both of us.” She said complacently.
“You expect me to drink all of these?” I said pointing at the 10 cups (total of four beers in a game that goes quickly).
She folded her arms and shifted all her weight in sassy fashion then tried to be cute and gave me a duck-face. I went into deep thought for a second. I know I can get hammered faster given this new development but I also need some of my wits about me. I don’t like the dynamic of being out on a “date” when one person is sober and the other is drunk. The demeanor get further from each other and it never turns out well because the sober person quickly becomes irritated with the drunken person. Given how much I was already ahead in the drinking department, I either needed to spread these drinks out a little more or find an exit strategy.
As we played we talked more about her job and the things she liked to do, not once did she ask me anything about myself. She took every opportunity to bend over in front of me to show off her barely visible bright pink thong. Everyone could see it as it was hiked up above the waist line of her jeans. Eventually we lost and the two stoners sent over the cups we didn’t make from their side. I ended up drinking a grand total of 14 cups. This comes out to be nearly 6 beers in a 25 minute span. I think it goes without saying I was on the verge of throwing up but I held my composure. I told Sarah I needed some after air after I put my last cup down and I stepped outside the sliding glass door in the kitchen to hang out on the back deck. The cool night air helped even me out as I walked up to the four other people smoking cigarettes just off the porch in the back yard.
The people weren’t the brightest bunch, but they were relatively nice and welcoming of strangers. I was feeling much better until the door cracked opened and Sarah stuck her big head outside and exclaimed,
“Oh, gross!? You’re a smoker? That is such a turn off!”
I started laughing at her, “Pffft! Yeah, sucks to be me!” The other guys started laughing too and began doing impressions of her. She made a face and closed the door shortly thereafter.
I lit up another cigarette and spent a good 15-20 minutes chatting with the people outside. I finally came inside with the entire smoking crew to take shots of the rum I brought in the kitchen. I was over the weirdness of the situation and was actually starting to have a good time.
I was mid conversation in the kitchen with a new group of people when my date strolled up looking annoyed. “Were you going to talk to me tonight?” She asked in a bitchy tone.
“Aren’t we talking right now?” I retort with a clever smile as the other guys walked away to give us some room. “What’s up? How’s your night going?”
“So EW, I didn’t know you were a smoker.” She said to me in a condescendingly tone looking away.
“I’d say there were surprises for both us tonight.” I said looking her up and down feeling a fairly heavy buzz from all the drinks.
“Huh?” She looked confused.
I could have sunk the dagger and told her how she had completely misrepresented herself online aesthetically and had put me in a bad light with her friends prior to my arrival but I played it cool. I was past buzzed and wasn’t remotely attracted to this girl. If I didn’t have any interest at that state of inebriation I undoubtedly wasn’t going to find it later. Her shitty attitude and unreasonably high entitlement complex was just icing on the cake and I wasn’t about to take a bite.
The game plan needed to switch gears soon. She was as far as I knew, the only person in driving condition at that party who would be willing and able to get me home. It was almost 11:20 and if I played my cards right I could convince her to take me back home early and still have time to do some last minute shopping at a bars near my house.
I chose that moment to make up a story about having to get back home because my room mate had lost his key and he needed to get into the house. I sprinkled in a fake study I had made up about dates being proven to be having a higher success rate if both parties were consuming alcohol (which is probably true) and I claimed it wouldn’t be fair for me to have all the fun. She gave me a little resistance at first, but after a little bit of convincing she agreed to drive under the condition that we went to a bar after we got back and I bought her a drink for all the gas money she had spent driving us up and back. If I really wanted to make a run for it and not uphold my end of the bargain once we got home, I knew I could. So I agreed.
The ride home seemed longer than the ride there. To her credit, she blasted music from the local top 40 station with the windows down, so I didn’t have to go through any awkward conversation during the long drive back.
She wanted to go to directly to the bar as we got closer to my house. I hesitantly agreed. We parked at her place which was two blocks behind the bar; we walked in to a little dive about an hour before last call and grabbed two stools right at the main bar. I ordered us a round a drinks of drinks and let out a heavy sigh of relief. At least I was in familiar territory and I had avoided most the pitfalls the night had presented. As she began to talk about herself again, I started watching the people around us. Every girl that walked by was easily twice as attractive as my date and probably a thousand times less annoying. I’m aware the grass is always greener but this was comparing a patch of mud in a swamp to Astroturf. What made it worse was I could actually tell I was getting looks from people. I swear I saw people staring at me disapprovingly. I’d make a Shallow Hal reference, but I truly felt like the girl that I had come with was just as ugly inside and out.
Finally I came to a boiling point when I found myself convinced there was a group of girls pointing and laughing at me on the other side of the bar. I felt ridiculous to be giving up so much of what little free time I had to someone I viewed to be so undeserving.
I interrupted her mid sentence while she was on a rant about how underappreciated hair stylists were, “Can I get my handle out of your car?”
“Right now?” She asked surprised.
“Yeah, right now.” I tossed some cash on the bar and walked outside and lit a cigarette.
“What’s going on? Oh…Gross you’re smoking again,” She said following me back to her car. I started laughing to myself.
“What a mess.” I chuckled.
“What’s so funny? Why are you walking so fast? Why do you need to get it right now?”
She machine-gunned questions at me as shook my head walking up to her car.
“It’s been an interesting night hun, but I think this was a mistake. I’m sorry; I’m just not into you.” I said opening her passenger door and pulling out my handle of liquor, “I’d rather just be civil about it and part ways.”
“Excuse me? I was thinking about hooking up with you tonight but if you’re gonna act like that, you can forget it.” She said looking at me squarely in the eyes from the other side of the car.
“Yeah, so listen- I’m gonna go.” I said starting to walk around the car to go home.
She stepped in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders, “Wait, just a kiss goodbye?”
“No,” I said knocking her hands off of me, “I’m just gonna say it. You turned out to be at least 75 lbs heavier than what I expected; at least. You haven’t asked me anything about myself the entire night with the exception of my tobacco use. You can’t list your body type as average and come like this. And I don’t see a point in kissing you because I’m afraid I’m going to get brown concealer all over my face. Good-day!” I said walking past her throwing my free hand into the air.
I know it was tactful but in a fit of frustration I had spilled everything I wanted to say right there on the street.
“Well! Well,” she started to say a bit flustered, “Yeah, maybe I’ve put on a little w…”
“I said good-day!” I loudly announced flipping my hand upwards in the air yet again walking down the empty alley heading home. I walked away shoulders high while behind me stood a fat frustrated girl with too much makeup and a little less self esteem.
“Yeah you’re probably a fucking faggot anyway!” She screamed after me as I trudged on, rum and cigarette in hand.