Creepiest Guy on the Metro

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I met up with my friend Chris for a handful of drinks who would soon be leaving the area for a three month trip abroad. We took the metro to Arlington from his place and vowed to get very drunk before it was all said and done.

It was one of those nights, endless drinks upon shots while catching up with old friends and making new ones at a decent little bar. It was a really good outing and as the lights came on and shouts of “last call” rang out, Chris and I settled up our tabs.

“I’m in no shape to drive at the moment. Can I crash at your house?” I asked my friend while one-eyeing my tab and trying to do drunk math to figure out a tip.

“Yeah, totally fine.” Chris said laughing also squinting at his check.

Once out of the bar, we headed directly to the metro. It was a reasonably crowded evening as we passed groups of loud inebriated people and took our places on the train platform. It’s sometimes comforting to know we won’t be the only loud and obnoxious drunk people on the ride.

A short time later a red LED sign above the platform displayed the words, “train arriving.” The front headlights  of the train illuminated the tunnel ahead eventually giving way to the quick moving train that flashes by us and slowed. The doors sprung open and we quickly found seats. Standing on a moving train while fairly drunk is one of the less desirable things I was in the mood for. As the train pulled away I looked around to see what kind of people in our train car would be joining us for the 15 minute or so ride. Although our car appeared to have almost all the seats filled, it wasn’t exactly a lively bunch. There are some evenings that you can step foot in a car and meet a lot of really interesting and entertaining characters on the ride home

“Hey do remember that RA (resident director) you had freshman year?” Chris said half laughing, “You know, the one that got you kicked out of housing three times your first semester?”

I rolled my eyes, “Gabe.” I say, “Yeah I remember him. What a piece of shit.”

“You know he’s getting married?” Chris said grinning.

“I’m not surprised, that kid is one of those super Christians that would get married as early as possible because being a virgin at age 24 must be getting old or they just don’t know shit about the world. What made you bring that up?” I asked a little bitter remembering the stress he caused me years ago.

Chris sat back a bit, “Well, his fiancee is in one of my classes and I swear that girl flirts with me almost not-stop. And she’s not bad looking.” Chris said smirking as we pull up to one of the stations and nobody got on or off the train.

“I think if I put in some effort, I could probably get something out of it.” Chris asserted confidently.


“You should defiantly fuck that chick.” I charged in loudly.

“You don’t understand, I would fuck that girl in front of her entire family!” I practically shouted staring him dead in the eyes forgetting where I was for a moment.

“EW.” Some girl in sitting with a large group of female friends a few seats in front of us said with a wrinkled up forehead half looking at me.

I caught a few glares from other girls sitting ahead and across from us.

“Let me paint you a picture Chris.” I start raising my voice partially because I hate ease dropping drunk girls that judge me on the metro.

“Imagine, it’s a Washington Capitals hockey playoff game. The score is tied going into intermission just before the 3nd period.” my voice gains some enthusiasm as I start to realize nearly all conversations around us have tapered off while people have stopped to listen in on my rant.

“As all the lights in the stadium fade, the theme song to TOP GUN begins coming out of the speakers at the Verizon Center, quietly at first, but then growing louder and louder… People start going nuts in the entire stadium. A single spotlight hits the edge of the ice.” While Chris is silently nodding with a grin, I look around to see the majority of the people around us have are captivated by my fantasy.

I continue practically jumping out of my seat, “Out comes a gleaming white Zamboni onto the ice, and who’s that on the hood!? Me, completely naked fucking Gabe’s fiance from behind while waving a huge American flag. And… She’s got a ball gag in her mouth”

The guys around us erupt in laughter as a random person yells out, “What?!”

I spot a few of the girls in front of me grimacing in horror. “It gets better hunny,” I said nodding and winking at one of them.

“As the entire stadium is cheering me on we ride the Zamboni into the first turn and a second spotlight flashes onto the crowd as the CAPS announcer echos over a sold out crowd at Verizon Center. Everyone in the stadium is going nuts. Everyone loves it. -Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention to section 101. The second spot light stops on section 101 lighting up the people in the stands and it’s Gabe along with his and her entire family. I’m talking about flying in the grandparents from both parts of Florida, cousins, uncles, sisters, brothers, nephews. Their eyes fixed on me smashing this chick out a-top a big Zamboni seven feet off the ice. Seriously dude, I’d have no issue fucking that guy’s fiance in front of sold out crowd and their entire family… I fucking hate that kid! Total douche.”

My face was red and I finally take a big breath as entire train car roars with laughter as we pulled up to our station. I gave a few waves as a small round of applause had started upon my perfectly timed exit. We stepped off the train and the doors of the train remain open momentarily. Over the subsiding laughter I heard one of the girls nearest our exiting door say, “Oh my god, that was the creepiest guy I’ve ever encountered on the metro.”

I quickly and ran up to the window of the train behind her as the doors closed. I pressed my face up against glass and tap twice on the window. When she turned around I pressed my face against the glass and begin making loud grunts and moans while moving my arms like t-rex arms up and down against the glass. She shrieked in horror falling backwards into the isle as the train pulled away from the station. Laughing hysterically Chris and I headed back to his place to make some drunk food and pass out for the night. Pretty standard Saturday.

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